Monthly Archives: July 2017

July 30th – Pre- Season Ramblings Part I

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It’s been most wonderful to take off the last month or so from the onerous duties of generating reports on this world renowned, widely read website. I know how much the masses have been desperate to read the latest postings so I could deny the pleasure no more. After a month of working out in the gym, running marathons, competing in strong man competitions and watching TV (spot the true statement) it’s time to both look backwards and, at the same time, forwards. Not possible and assured of causing a broken neck but I’m game for it.

Looking backwards (but being careful not to fall over) the glow of the F A Cup mastery is flickering with its last embers. Without any Euros or WC to interfere, oh my how, long has that glow persisted., That’s the way to end a season.

We all expected Alexis and Oil to have been signed by now. Either by us or by another team. And neither has happened. At this point, given the attitude change at AFC, I’m less resistant to Alexis leaving for a foreign club. I don’t exactly love his attitude. He’s wages demands are clearly designed to force an exit. But the wonderful thing about contracts is that he’s got no choice. He’s not that RVP like imbecilic who might not give 100% every time. Once Alexis realizes he’s stuck with us he’ll be as passionate and committed as he was last season. And by the end of his contract Man City will have moved on and Alexis will be nearly 30. The pimps at Man City would have moved on to someone else by then. It’s funny how Alexis would want to go to the team managed by the guy that pushed him out at Barcelona. Now that James has signed with Basterd Munich I don’t think Alexis has too many options. Unless he wants to ask for a transfer. Again, if he does then we should flog him to the French or Italians. But not the Middle Eastern lot.

Since AW signed up for 2 more years there have been changes. And most tantalizing is that he’s not so focused on the future but more on the here and now. Gone is the planning for the long-term. I think he’s finally got to the point where he knows that he’s got a year or two to deliver. No investing in the future. No more projects. Now it’s about paying up and getting the finished article. No more waiting for Jack when you can buy someone with a proven track record.

This is a seismic change. Of course, this has to be measured against the certitude and utter conviction of the AAW crowd who stated – because they know these things as fact – that he was incapable of change. But then he was also incapable of changing tactics. He was also incapable of building a defensive backline or defensive player. And, of course, he could not win any trophies. How wise these people are.

So we have signed the classic French forward Cigarette. Will he turn out to be a Henry or Wiltod. My suspicion is the latter. And we still in the hunt for the remaining ashes of the Monaco team. Must be fun to support that team – The tax haven equivalent of being a Southampton fan.

But maybe more importantly, there have been backroom changes. Again, because we all actually know what goes on in the inner sanctum at Arsenal. We have our Invincible goalie back. And the BFG is going to run the Academy next year.  What does this all mean. For starters we’ve changed MAGA from Make Arsenal Great Again to Make Arsenal German again. I also hear we’re soon to rename the stadium to the Arsenal Bunker. I suspect this is the German reaction to Brexit – a reverse takeover of Arsenal. We will be more efficient. We will steamroller through Europe. We will be happy. Be happy boy!  Otherwise incur the wrath of Jens.

And finally, I never normally comment on pre-season games. When I was a younger, hairier, teetheier, thinner and even more perfect me, I never even knew there was a pre-season. No one knew who we played pre-season and we certainly did not know the scores. Even today I’m not sure there were actual pre-season games. There was the community shield and then the season. So, suffice it to say I don’t give a flying fuck about pre-season. Aside that is for us signing the worlds best players (and our own).

However, it’s taken so long to write this pre-season piece that it’s run into yesterdays game versus Benfica. How irrelevant are these games? So irrelevant that Theo, with his lovely haircut, looks played a rock-star and Giroud, while still possessing the speed of a Donkey, was the perfect link-up player.  Maybe they could be our pre-season players of the year. What was interesting though was the performance of our new boy on the left; he looks like a tank rolling into Washington from Russia. He’s built like a brick-wall. On the other side Nelson looks like he’ll retain a place in the squad for the useless games like League cup and EUFA matches. He’s got a nice head of hair and a lovely turn of pace. Maitland-Niles was forced to both play left defense in the back three and, in order to save money, dropped the first part of his double barrel name. I think those missing 9 letters reduced the cost of the shirt Arsenal charge him for wearing.

OK, that’s it. I’m off to watch our second game of the Emirates Cup and then start work on Part II. Let’s see if I can’t create more drivel prior to the Most Valuable Cup Of All Time. The Charity or Community Cup.